kcsplace replied to your post: I see you a lot on my dashboard giving advice to…

Has anon tried different size tampons or the applicator ones rather than self-applicator cos theyre smoother to insert. Not sure if they still do tem, but definitely in england at one time they had selflubricated ones, for easier insertion.

Good idea! I do think those are still a thing.

Anonymous asked: I see you a lot on my dashboard giving advice to people about sex and other such topics and I was wondering if I could ask a period-related question? I live in a tiny village in England where everyone's pretty much Catholic and no one talks about this stuff, even though I'm almost eighteen. So I have a problem where I can't use tampons because it hurts so much. I've never masturbated so it can't be anything I've done... Is it normal to feel pain down there? I'm worried it means I can't have sex.

There are a lot of reasons it may hurt to use tampons. It hurts me to use tampons, too, and I promise you, my vagina isn’t too small for sex. Hahaha. Some peoples vaginas just don’t do well with tampons. Mine sure doesn’t. You could be putting it in wrong (which I hate hearing, because I KNOW I’m not putting it in wrong), or you could be trying to shove cotton up a totally try vag, which - even thinking about it - HURTS. You should be bleeding already, therefore pretty wet down there. Anyway, if you’re like me, and can’t use tampons, but are concerned that it’s not the tampon’s fault but your vagina’s fault, then test it out! Masturbate! There’s a first time for everything, and I PROMISE you, masturbating isn’t dirty or gross or bad for you or sinful or anything that anyone may have told you it is. Touch your clitoris ‘til you’re good and turned on, then try getting a finger up there. Maybe penetration won’t feel that great to you, and that’s okay, but you’re really just trying to see if it actually HURTS. Vaginas are generally a little tight to begin with - especially if you’ve never masturbated or used a tampon - so be wary of that. If it hurts just a bit, don’t let that deter you. Masturbate more frequently and keep fingering yourself and see if, with time, it stops hurting. If it never stops hurting (y’know, after like a LOT of trying), then consult your gynecologist!

Anonymous asked: Help. I relapsed after 1 month and I've cut myself again. 4 new ones. Help me.

First thing’s first: take care of yourself. Clean yourself up, use a yummy smelling soap if you’ve got any, take a bath if you want, shave your legs/face nice and smooth, eat something sugary - fruit or candy or chocolate or something - get in bed, and enjoy the warm blankets. Watch something you LOVE to watch, something you KNOW you love to watch - maybe something that will make you cry, and have a good long cry. If you’re one of those people who thinks they “shouldn’t” cry, especially. Do it. Let yourself have this night/day for exactly YOU. Taking care of you. No judgements. Not from me, not from anyone else, and especially not from you. If you think you are fat or ugly, let that stuff go. Just for the night. Here, I’ll carry it for the night, so you can pig out and roll around naked and feel like a sad lump, because you deserve the luxury of being able to wallow.

Things are hard. Things are very, very hard, my love, and I KNOW that they are, and it’s OKAY to feel it. FUCK everyone who tells you it’s “not that bad,” and FUCK the feeling of guilt that you are bad or stupid for having relapsed. Yes, relapse is bad, but YOU are not bad. Good people can mess up sometimes. And know that it’s over. It’s in the past already. You’re going clean again, now, as of this moment. Let that feeling of guilt go. Close your eyes, take a bunch of deep breaths, and remind yourself it’s over. It’s happened, and there’s nothing you can do to take it back. Now your job is to heal, and to move forward, and know that you can be clean and not cut again for a long, long time after this.

Recognize this, darling: YOU ASKED FOR HELP FROM ME. Do you know how much courage that takes? Do you know how strong that makes you? Just that. You have got GALLONS of strength. Even the strongest people slip up, though, and the fact that you relapsed this once does not make you ANY LESS STRONG. Look at you, asking for help now that you’ve slipped up this once. Look at yourself. You’re a fucking warrior. I’m so fucking proud of you.

You are strong, like an Amazon. You are important to someone. And I promise you, darling, you are not alone.

Anonymous asked: Thank you very much for being so kind. I'm 17, I haven't had 'The Talk' and I live in the town with the highest teen pregnancy rate in my country.

Oh my god, darling. Sounds like a repressed childhood. In a perfect world, we’d all be discovering our bodies as children and be told it’s okay. Sadly, most people are horrified by bodies for whatever reason, and like to pretend that no one touches themselves or others. That’s just not true. I’m SO sorry you live in a place like that. :( ANY questions you have you are WELCOME to ask me. Concerned about masturbation? Fantasies? Sex? SAFETY??? Don’t be afraid to ask!! Asking is how we learn - or else by experience, and safe sex is NOT something I’d ever recommend you learn about through experience. ‘Cause doing it wrong could get you into serious trouble, even the first time. Don’t risk ANYTHING. Take your time, and always ask if you’re concerned or unsure!

Anonymous asked: Umm... this is really awkward. As you 'talk seriously dirty' and you are unashamed... I was wondering how girls are meant to masturbate? I'm very inexperienced with some 'tension' and I don't know what to do.

Oh, dear. I’d really like to know how old you are to have never discovered your parts. I’m so sorry. Do you know what it’s like down there? This is time for exploration.

Just touch. It should feel good. If it doesn’t, don’t touch there. Move around. Touch the clitoris. That part should feel best. That’s the very top part. Just touch it, rub it, whatever feels good.

And remember - it’s about feeling good to relieve that “tension,” and there’s nothing you’re “meant to” do. If anyone in your life has made you feel like there’s one right way to do it, or that doing it is wrong or bad or “awkward,” as you put it, then ignore them. They’re wrong. The only right way to do it is the way that makes your body and your mind feel good and satisfied.

Anonymous asked: Thank you so much for your advice! It's really helpful. Very special thanks for "quoting", as we are a "bilingual" couple (he's British, I'm French) it was a bit hard to find words/expressions in English. Thank you again. :)

Ooooh, well then you should DEFINITELY try whispering French in his ear. ;) No sane person would refuse French dirty talk, even if they can’t understand it. Mmm. It’s sexy to we who don’t speak it every day.

Anonymous asked: Hi Jessa! I know you're not afraid of talking "seriously dirty" and that you've already given some very good advice. My boyfriend asked me to talk him/to whisper him stuff (not especially dirty things) while we are having sexy times. The problem is my lack of experience and vocabulary, as he is my very first boyfriend. Can you help me please? I don't know what to say, what can really turn him on. Thank you so much! xx

That’s a really tough one to answer, because it honestly depends what sort of things he likes to hear. Dirty talk is a great thing, but every person is different and is turned on by different things. There’s good simple stuff like “Oh, yes, fuck me,” and then there’s the fun directing, like “Harder, softer, slower, deeper, just like that,” whatever. Then there’s people who like to be complimented the whole time “Yeah that feels so good, ugh, you feel so good inside, I love how you fit inside me, you look so hot when we do this,” etc. But that’s all some very vague and commonplace dirty stuff.

As for NOT dirty things? Just get all close to his ear and tell him, softly and sensually, how much you love being close to him, how much you love touching him, how happy he makes you and how much you want to make him happy. :) 

Go with your gut. Be honest. Ask him what kind of stuff he wants to hear! Do you know if he likes it rough, or if he likes to be on top or if he likes YOU to be more in control? That can help point you in the right direction. If he likes you being more in control, you get to say fun stuff like “You’re mine, I love when you please me,” whatever, and if the opposite is true, you can thank him, and tell him you love when he does ___ you, tell him “I’m yours,” stuff like that. Dirty talk is like the most fun thing ever.

philosophyofhedonism asked: Recently I've been seeing a lot about subdrop in multiple fanfics, and I was wondering if that's really a real thing/do you have any experience with it/is it as awesome as they say?

Subdrop is a real thing, but it’s not awesome. I think you are confusing subdrop with subspace. Subspace and Domspace (also called Dom zone sometimes, among other things) are part of what makes BDSM some of the most unique and intense kind of sex/play that a person can have (in my opinion - but then, I am biased, haha).

Subspace, which I’m more actively able to explain than Domspace, is just a pleasant headspace that can take a submissive over when they are being dominated. It’s almost like having your ears covered and your eyes blinded and your senses dulled as every part of you zeroes in on what your Dom is doing. It’s lovely. Total focus. Almost like hypnosis. I’ve experienced subspace a small handful of times. It’s wonderful, really. My pain tolerance is higher, I’m a lot less talkative, and a lot more attentive.

Subdrop, on the other hand, just to clarify, is something entirely different. It’s an emotional state that can sometimes happen after a scene. Because of the high, intense emotions, and the physical strain that take place within a scene, it’s kind of like an adrenaline crash. It’s awful. During playtime, as a submissive, you practically lose sense of reality as you put all your trust and self into this other person. That’s a lot of reliance on a Dominant. When it’s over, if there isn’t plenty of aftercare, I find that it’s very easy to get confused and disoriented if I’m expected to return to taking care of myself right away. Not a fun feeling. It often results in tears for me.

I hope that cleared it up a bit!

besinaao3 replied to your post: Hullo! OK, I’ve been slowly trying to emerse…

Try and find a local munch to just meet other people in the scene without the worry of sex looming over everything. They might even help you meet the type of person you’re looking for, and if not, at least you know someone local who gets it too.

Yes!! That’s true!! I always forget those exist. :3 

Anonymous asked: hi so this guy and i have been dating for a couple weeks and he told me he was gonna kiss me. neither of us have kissed before. what do we do? im 15 and hes 16 btw. love you xxxx

Kissing is the most natural thing in the world. There’s barely even a way of explaining how it’s done. Stick your mouths together, either closed or partially open, and just go for it. Learn how much tongue you like and how much tongue he likes, and try to figure out how it works for the two of you as a pair! :p

Anonymous asked: Hullo! OK, I've been slowly trying to emerse myself into the BDSM lifestyle over the past few months and so far I've been "rejected" by 4 different Doms. I'm a 24 year old virgin with low self-esteem and I think once they find that out it's a deal-breaker. It's getting so disheartening and I'm really about to just give up trying. I'm sorry for throwing my pity party at you but any kind of advice would be absolutely wonderful and I would be so grateful because I adore your blog! Thank yoooou :)

Anyone - and I mean, ANYONE, no matter how perfect they initially seem - who is put off by the fact that you’re a virgin or that you have low self-esteem, is NOT worth your time. If they get the time to know you, and they like you, but then they reject you just for THAT? Then they’re not as great as they made themselves out to be. You don’t wanna be with anyone judgmental like that.

So as for how to find a Dom, that’s tough for me to jump into, because I don’t know what kind of Dom you’re looking for. Are you trying to find someone to be solely a play partner - A Dom but not a boyfriend/girlfriend? Or are you looking for a serious partner? Do you WANT sex to be part of the relationship, or are you looking only for sexless play? I also don’t know how you’ve been looking, thus far, or how far you got with the Doms who rejected you.

Either way - don’t give up. Figure out exactly what you want (I’m sure you have, though), and then start looking more specifically. Try Fetlife.com. Or try OKCupid and be very, very honest on your profile, and then also be very, very unforgiving about the people who message you. On pretty much any site, if you write that you’re into BDSM (no matter how you phrase it), you’re gonna get creeps and people who aren’t Doms but call themselves Doms because they want to take advantage of people who are submissive, thinking they can get away with it. Well, THEY CAN’T. :) Because we know better. And if you’re ever unsure, my askbox is open to you any time.

Don’t be discouraged by four rejections. Well, I shouldn’t say “don’t,” because the likelihood is, you can’t exactly help it. What I should say is, feeling discouraged is normal - but it’s not the end of your dating career. Keep trying. Dating is HARD. So, so hard. If they are Doms, also, remember try to avoid immediately thrusting them into a position of power. Avoid titles. Likewise, if they are forcing it on YOU (asking you to call them Sir or Madam, or Master, or whatever), then flee. Anyone who’s not gonna take the time to know you before wanting you to use titles is someone who clearly doesn’t care about YOU, or getting to know you. All they care about is getting what they want and feeling powerful.

If you have ANY questions, pleeeease don’t hesitate to come ask me, my ask box is always open!!

Anonymous asked: so I'm an 18 year old who's just started a relationship. I've never been in one before, and I don't know him that well yet. I don't know about any social norms to do with relationships, and I don't want to do anything that might put him off. I don't anything from who pays for dinner, to what to do about shaving pubic hair and if I should or not, or how much... help!

You don’t know him that well but you’re in a relationship with him? My advice, just treat him like you’d treat a friend. Go halvsies on food (each pay for your own, or do what Boyfriend and I do and switch off who pays for the meals). “Social norms” be damned. Do what you’d normally do, but with an added element of holding hands and kissing and stuff. Also talk to him about what he considers appropriate sort of relationshippy behavior! :) Don’t shave your pubic hair unless you feel like it, even if he says he likes it. Don’t do it unless you WANT to.

Anonymous asked: heey. i've been following you a while and i know you give good advice for people and their sex lifes/antics etc. i was wondering if you have any tips on a person who's never given a blow job before. i've tried twice and i feel like my teeth get in the way/i'm not doing it right.

If you’ve done it already twice, is this a regular sex partner? If so, you should ask them how they like it. Ask them if you’re doing a good job. Some people LIKE a bit of teeth. Not biting, obviously - that’s a no-no - but the barest scrape of your teeth along their skin while you’re pulling up or sliding back down will not hurt. Teeth aren’t really sharp unless you’re chomping down. Touching the teeth to their dick shouldn’t hurt, just avoid putting pressure with the teeth. The touch may even be super nice! ;) When you want to put pressure, pull your lips over your teeth. That’ll be a lovely rubbing sensation. Make sure to LICK. A LOT. Don’t worry about how far down you can get. REALLY, don’t worry about it. Just cover the whole length with plenty of sloppy kisses and licks and suckles. Especially just under the head, it’s very sensitive. get into a nice rhythm of various applied sensations, and the point at which they seem like they’re getting desperate, bob up and down and don’t stop. Ask them to direct you speed-wise. When they’re close to coming, the faster you go the better it will be for them. :)

Anyone have anything else to add?

Anonymous asked: Jessa, today my 4 year old son chose heart shaped pink sunglasses and a matching polka-dotted hat from the "girls" department whilst spring shopping and happily wears them with his spiderman shirts. He loves anything pink and often gets bullied for it - by his friends' fathers... I think it's great that you show customers at your store how silly they are when they gender colours or toys. I always get horrible looks when I buy my son the things he likes and I worry about people being mean to him.

Was just talking about this with my coworkers. Bullies will be bullies no matter what. They will always find a reason to bully. Sure, there are certain things that bullies will think is a “reason” to bully for… like boys with pink stuff or girls with “boy” stuff, but that’s CRAP. Bullies will always find a reason, and it’s better to be a child and know you like what you like and be happy that way and get bullied for it, than to feel totally discouraged by EVERYONE from liking what you like. Bullying, as horribly as it is, will make him stronger. He will grow a tough skin, and learn to BE WHO HE IS, despite what others tell him. It’s not gonna MAKE him gay, it doesn’t mean he IS gay, and it doesn’t mean he CAN’T grow up to be the epitome of traditional masculinity. It’s true, he COULD be gay, and he COULD end up feminine, but liking what he likes will not be the cause of it. He’ll be who he is, and he’ll be more comfortable in his own skin as he grows up, and I think that’s worth a lifetime of teasing.

But teasing can be torture, and it CAN spark him to suddenly be discouraged. Beware of sudden changes, like suddenly disliking things he used to. Keep encouraging him to like what he likes, and don’t stop. If (when ;_; ) he comes home from school saying that “so-and-so told me my hat is for girls and i must be a girl” or “that thing is girlie, i can’t like it anymore” or whatever, be BLUNT with him. I stunned a bunch of 7 year olds into silence when I questioned their criticism of a kid using a pink crayon. Ask him “Kids told you it’s for girls, huh? And why is that bad? Y’know mommy is a girl. Do you think that my stuff is BAD?” He’ll probably be confused and go “but YOU’RE a girl, I’M not a girl” or something along those lines. “You’re not! You just said it!” Reinforce that. “You are a boy and you have a hat that’s pink. Do you FEEL more like a girl?” He probably will say no. “So there you go, then. Don’t let others make you feel bad, because you and I know better. The ones who mind don’t matter, but the ones who matter won’t mind.” 

That’s obviously a made up scenario, but it’s just an example. Bluntness will work. Never give in to a kid’s sudden change because of bullying. Never let bullies force your child into feeling bad about themselves, because they need to know it’s not their fault - it’s not the fault of the things they like (the pink, the activity, whatever it is), and those things shouldn’t be abandoned. The ONLY one at fault, and the ONLY one who deserves consequences, is the bully.

This was a big rant and I’m sorry. I was really badly bullied as a kid so I’m super passionate about it.

Anonymous asked: I was raised in a really anti-sex/slut shaming environment so even though I know slut shaming is bad and that sex isn't a bad thing and that people can do whatever they want with their bodies and stuff my first instinct when I see a girl who's had a lot of sex or wears skimpy outfits is to be like "ew, slut" and then realize what I just thought and cry. Idk I feel like I'm a bad person. How do I rid these ideas from my mind?

You’re already on the right track! Just keep doing what you’re doing. The initial thought that you find so upsetting is INSTINCT at this point, because it’s been so heavily ingrained into you. That’s okay. You’re not a bad person. Instincts can be overcome. My mom, though she did teach me that sex was good and not something to feel bad about, also made me feel very much ashamed of wearing anything tight, and is very quick to call people sluts. She also told me that she thinks deviant sex is a sign of mental illness. Hahahaha. My point is that it’s something that can be overcome. In addition to developing that kind of slut-shaming mentality, you also developed a good head on your shoulders, and the logic to fight your own upbringing. You know it’s wrong, and you’re catching yourself when you have those thoughts. :) Just keep that up!